words from Rome

I need to write… I need to think, I need to put down my thoughts, I need to be in contact with myself… yeah these are the things I’m tellin to myself now…
But just to talk bout sum things 1st, that I didn’t have time for when I was home, because I was thinkin I still have time left, and I had to leave such in a rush, that I ended up not doin it… so now I have sum time…
When I got back home in february, and I wanned so bad to go back home to feel again human and normal, a normal being with friends and family that’s able to do the things she wants, she feels, oh how I was longin for that when I was in South America… I really thought that, that was what I needed to be free again. And there I was back home, phones callin all the time at the beginin, people to see, things to do, and after a while again: loneliness…I sadly realized that people live their own lives. They don’t understand, though they seem to show you that they do, that you really got just 2 months here with them, and you are so anxious to do everything you couldn’t in those 6 months, you literally wanna do everything, everythin, and they don’t understand that you don’t have the time to lose it. If it’s not today, is gonna be tomorrow. NO! I can’t afford that. You tell them that, they get upset or frustrated. Why you wanna time them? Why you wanna be their friend just when you got the time? Well, cuz I simply don’t have all the time in the world. Yes, is the life I chose, but we are supposed to be close, we are supposed to understand, that we have different lives, but when we have the time that we can spend together, we should do so. So, I realized that my close friends, the few of them that I’ve got, they live their lives, if I’m there, or if I’m not…They go to work 8 hours a day, everyday, they are stressed and frustrated with everythin, cuz that’s the way you are when you are in Romania, everythin is so messed up, that even if you are happy and ok, you become like that, just like that, with the flow. Nobody smiles, everybody’s frustrated for everything, for everybody’s issues, which is absolutely mental. There’s no way you can build up your own peace of mind. They get into it. They enjoy doin that. So, when I go back home beside the fact that it always strikes me to see their faces, their sadness and their attitude, I have to have this reality big punch in my face, regardin my close people. They don’t have the time to be there. They simply are livin their life, which normally I’d understand, because I’d had the time to bear with that and live my life too, but when you are home for counted days, and they still do that, it’s so frustrating. I mean, what’s the point in crying 6 months over: oh my God, I cannot wait to see you, I miss you, I wish you were here, and when finally I show up, you don’t call, you are busy, the job stresses you, you get frustrated cuz I am in a relationship, or stuffs like this. It just makes me want to go back as fast as I can. And this time I went home it was really bad, I mean I would really have left, and never come back. And I did feel that, that was the last time when I was goin home for vacation to be there like 2 months. I don’t wanna go back there. I don’t wanna go back to people that don’t even have 2 months of one year to spend it with me. It’s frustratin. Everythin I built durin the years suffers cuz I’m away for 6 months, 6 months when I try to talk as much as the time and my job allows me to and be close, even from far away. And I know I’m not there phizically, but when I am and you don’t even make a damn small effort to give a phone call, then, what’s the point in goin back to that? Maybe I changed too, and I did, I’m even less tolerant that I was before, and it has never been a strong quality of mine, but still, 2 damn months… is it too much? And then when I leave in a rush, cuz it’s like that all the time, cuz of my job, you send me emails or texts crying after me? What kind of crap is that? I was there. I was straight, tellin u in your face, that I am here just now, you will regret it later when you will need me and I’m not gonna be there. And no, you seem not to even listen to me. Well, bravo. Cuz you did exactly how I said you will. NO, man! I refuse this crap. I refuse to go back to something like that. I refuse to go back to this kinda friendships. I am alone anyway. I’ve been my whole life actually. And it’s cuz of me too, because I can sense the fakeness and the oriented caring and loving from before the starters of a friendship/connection. And I can’t pretend I don’t. I’ve always been like this. If you don’t give me everythin, better give me nothing. I don’t need halfs. I’m a complete person and I don’t need halfs attached to me, they can’t overcomplete me, they just give me extra hands that aren’t useful for anythin. So, after I joined again, one of my friends died, cuz of a stupid thing, in Romania, in 2012, it’s unbearable, it’s not even talkable, I refuse to even think that you can actually die cuz of a stupid pneomonia in 2012! Where the hell are we? So after this striking news, that I got thru a facebook message! actually, I refuse to go back to my so called home place. These words have always been a joke for me. Home place and Romania, they never sounded right together. I still hope with my soul that I’m gonna find a place one day that will really feel like my home, my soul home. That’s everythin I need.
So, back to what I wanned to say in a few words… I am on the ship again, 3rd contract, doin Europe, as I wanned, it seemed hopeless, but God worked in misterious ways and here I am. Everythin changed in half of a day. It’s easy life, work is not stressfull, but, I am totally lonely. Nobody to even talk to, bout what’s real for me, not usual crap that’s “normal” here. My sister, she is on another ship, now, again, my boyfriend is on another ship, and right now I cannot, we cannot do anything to be together, we tried and we are trying everything, but we are stuck separated. It makes me so mad. I hate the fact that the ship system creates your paths and chooses for you and makes you go thru sum crap, that you shouldn’t. I hate that, with my whole soul. Dammit! There are 1000 people around me, on this ship that don’t give a shit if they are here or on another ship, it doensn’t make a difference for them. But it does for me for crying out load. And I can’t change it. I cannot be with the man I love, because he cannot come here, as yet. Probably we will have to wait 2 more months and a half, to be together 3, and then what? Again? The same crap? Oh, no! I know myself very well. And I know very well how I’ve been my whole freakin life: by myself; with my own thoughts, with my own kinda happiness.
For the 1st time in my life, I am really loved and so loved that this real love, not just in my head, just gives me a certain peace of mind that I never had, and I can’t enjoy it. How stupid is that? Why do I always have to struggle for what I deserve? I do deserve to be happy and loved. I look around: they’ve always been happy, some of them, they know shit, they don’t care bout anythin and they are cool like that. They will never know differet and I’m mad for that. How stupid can I be? How stupid do I have to be, to actually be frustrared for myself and for them too, when they don’t even know bout my existance, or my thoughts, and bout theirs, they never knew they can think different? I mean it’s simply stupid and I realize that.
And I go back to what I know:) in a way, that I always do somehow, I go inside myself and I dig deep down under a certain layer of soul skin and I uncover just a lil bit one big black whole that I struggled years to cover it up, so I never remember that was ever there. And I uncover it, just a lil bit, so I can breathe it 2 seconds and go on pretendin like always that it was never there. 🙂 I am demonic. I know. But, I guess, I cannot live without it, at all. You are there, in a way, and in this way, you will always be. And I cannot be without it. Because I am so incomplete, that by uncovering one thin layer of soul skin, I can breathe for a few seconds who I am actually, and then go blank again, and live my life as a normal human. Which, honestly, I hate. I would love to live on a small island with a few people, maximum 5, chosen by me, and just be peaceful and beloved and soulful, live thru music and true natural beauty, breathe real air and enjoy blue water and that’s it. But I can’t. That’s unreal for this reality. I have to be a part of a real reality. I have to force myself. Because in this life, even if I run away, on an island, the world would still enter in it. Something will still happen, because that’s how it is, unfortunatelly. We don’t know different. We cannot know different. We have to be humans. That’s our destiny. That’s our fatality. It doesn’t matter how hard we try to be higher, our human part will always drag us down.
I just clicked in my playlist: By your side – Sade. I haven’t done that in months. I can’t even remember when I listened to this song last time. That’s not a good sign. Anyway, to keep it short, I miss my soul. I wanna find my real freedom. And I want to finally understand what the hell is happenin. Because, right now, it seems again, that my soul is a lil bit lost. I need guidance. God, help me! Nothing matters, and if it does, somehow it vanishes. What’s the point of it in the 1st place anyway? If I can’t have everythin, there’s no point in havin it at all.
Hopin for better days.