Awakening

I am such a beautiful human being.
I know that because I have been working hard on myself for 30 years now, so I know what the hell I am speaking of better than you. Any of you. You catch glimpses of what I am during this lifetime, but you have never have all of me all the time.
I allow you to see certain things not all.
If you want to see everything, you gotta fight. You gotta be willing. You gotta work everyday at yourself, for yourself, and theeeeen, only after that you can show up on my door step and say: babygirl, you are a rock-star and I’ve been dwelling on taking you to the moon and back, while still being here, because that’s what your soul deserves.
Prove to me. Facts. I don’t want anymore noise.
Don’t show up in my face if you ain’t got yourself yet.
I can’t spend 30 years more out of my life trying to fix you.
I know who I am. I am worth of sharing and enjoying that ONLY with someone who knows the same.
It ain’t never perfect. It ain’t always just roses.
What matters and what it takes is: knowing where you used to stand, where you are right now and where you work your ass off to arrive.
I won’t allow any of you, regardless what you mean or you don’t to flaw my being anymore or what I was destined to become.
If you don’t know who you are, it is not my job to discover it for you.
It is your duty.
I am not caring anyone else’s cross anymore.
I am me. I remember me, and through all the blindness, yours and mine, I can’t, I simply can’t afford anymore to let you trick me that I am not what I remember. ๐Ÿ™‚

 

EVERYTHING that lives inside your soul can become reality. If what you dream looks impossible, it isn’t as long as you truly believe deep down yourself that that is really what you deserve and that’s what your whole being desires.
The fact that it ain’t happenin, that you go through the same shit that shatters you, it’s only on you! Not on them.
You choose not to give to yourself what you already had the power to dream you can have.
Just STOP! for a freakin second. that’s everything you need, a second.
Stop lying to yourself.
You are worth it of everything you dream to be worth of!

FIGHT for yourself! Don’t let ANYONE show you that you deserve less. Fight to become everyday something better, and after that you can say that you can and you are willing to do it with someone else. Stop lying to yourself! As many of them you are trying to fix and save, you can’t save anyone, if you are the one lost. It’s not being selfish, it’s being true to yourself. Discover yourself. So that you can let others discover who you are too. So that you can discover others too.

Don’t find someone and make them your target. I gotta save this one, when you are the one unsaved. Everything will be just dark and heavy on your soul and you won’t understand what is happening. You are happening. You made it. All those circles around you that don’t allow you to find a way out is your own creation. Unchain yourself. You drew the circles. Break them.

Remember yourself. Remember who you are, what you are capable of, the reason of your heart beating inside yourself and listen to that. Live according to those beats. Dance on that unique rhythm. It will tell you everything you need to hear. In all the noise, in all the mess, those sounds will sound so clear, as soon as you open your ears.

You are there. Waiting on yourself to wake up. I pray for you. I pray for you to snap out of it and allow yourself to become that wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, unique, divine soul that you were so perfectly created to shine.

Awaken.

Thankful.

Blessed.

I want this kind love, and only this ๐Ÿ˜‰

I need more. I breathe more. I thrive more. I won’t settle. I won’t let you blindfold my soul anymore. I won’t allow you to let me settle. I won’t close the curtains of my soul because “this is what I feel”, because “I love you”, because “it happens”. NO! Fuck that!

It’s incredible how much shit we can tell to ourselves in order to get a story straight. Stories ain’t realities. The reality is this one. You are here now, alive and breathing and you have no freaking excuse for not living. NONE. Stop shutting your soul down. It is meant to be awaken.

No matter how hard it gets, stop escaping your soul’s reality, stop muting its echoes. What you hear is right. Hear your own soul talking to you. You will thank yourself later. You will save yourself.

You deserve that. You deserve being the best version of yourself for yourself. You deserve peace. You deserve love. You deserve sleepfull nights. Give it to yourself! ๐Ÿ™‚ No one else will until you do it for yourself! ๐Ÿ™‚

I need more! ๐Ÿ™‚ I am more and right this moment I am not closing the curtains of my soul. I see it. I see through it and what I see makes me happy, thankful to be alive and able to work on my soul. Is everything I got, and oh, I am so happy to have it! ๐Ÿ™‚

Thankful for remembering myself.

 

I deserve more! :)

I deserve more!

I want more!

How could I not?

How could I say I am true to myself and not wish for more? Thrive every second I am alive to live? Regardless how painful it gets, how many deceptions happen to us, we gotta fight the urge to settle, to comply, to give in.

I know it’s hard, oh Lord, I know very well how hard it is. The things that happen to us, change us, pain changes us, but as we are grown-ups, with our heads still on our shoulders what we decide to do after that is on us.

I feel like quittin’ every day. Parts of my daily behavior show that. Some choices that I make show my confusion. But I am not quitting. I am aware of the fact that I am breathing, that I woke up this morning, and that the Sun is shinning so beautiful on us. Oh, what would we be without the Sun?

How can we not to? How can we not believe? We can’t just simply deny the existence of the Sun! With the blessing from God, we can see it with our eyes, we can feel it on our skin. So, it exists! It is there, here, all over! Do you feel it? Let yourself feel it!

As I cannot deny the Sun, I cannot deny myself. As I cannot deny a child’s smile, the sea or the ocean, the green grass or a touch of a hand, other human being’s existence, I cannot deny myself.

And, the second I choose something less than I deserve, especially after all the pain I’ve been through, I deny my existence. Plus I am being disrespectful to the pain I went through, which helped me become who I am. How could I do that? As long as I am alive I owe it to myself to try. Maybe I won’t always succeed, but if I don’t even try, than that’s on me. On me only. And when all is gone, would I be able to forgive myself?

We are all breathing human beings. We all decide, even though we might think something else, or that the circumstances decided for us, for ourselves, every minute what we do with that.

What does being alive mean to you? It equals you to a plant or to the Sun?

I learned during this lifetime not to settle. This comes after you start to know yourself, plus some not so fortunate situations you get to go through while being here. It’s always a choice: you stay where you are, or you move.

Sometimes you get stuck. Sometimes that becomes a longer period of time. Everything that matters is to get out of it. It is your own battle, it is your own choice, every day to decide to fight through.

I don’t wanna settle. I look inside myself and find my soul as 2Pac would say and it’s there “I didn’t sell it, my heart is still connected to my body” ๐Ÿ™‚

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I don’t wanna deny music. Is everything that I am. Is everything that I had when I was young and nothing would make any better sense than those lyrics over that tight beat. Is like living consistently in Brown Sugar, and if you don’t understand that, that means I am already settlin ๐Ÿ™‚

Music and Basketball. Everything I am. Everything I choose to be. Everything I have.

God, give me strength, put Light into my eyes, even in my darkest days in order for me to never give up on myself. Because I owe it to that beating heart you created within me, I owe it to myself to get up everyday and fight.

We weren’t put here by mistake. Whoever believes that, has to be willing to look deeper. Sometimes it takes years, sometimes in a matter of seconds you understand. And you feel, and after you feel it is impossible for you to deny it.

Let yourself be. Let yourself feel. As scary as that sounds and might be, if you don’t try, you are just like a tree, always in the same place. And there isn’t anything wrong with being a tree, except that, that is the tree’s mission, and this one is yours. You are able to feel, you are able to move, you are able to become. You are able to move mountains, you are able to experience life throughout all the beautiful things that make you vibrate.

And, what can you possibly lose? Isn’t the pain there already? Aren’t those heavy mountains that you carry on your shoulders already too heavy for you to carry? Isn’t your breathing heavy?

You deserve to breathe freely. You deserve to never lose music. You deserve to always find pleasure and hear your own life beats through that beating ball in that court.

Never forget that. Never forget what made and makes your heart beat.

I can’t allow you! I was made to fight this with, through and for you, and I will kick your ass whenever times are blurry, and we will get up and fight again, because this is everything we got: me, myself and I! ๐Ÿ™‚

#thankyouforthebeautifulinspiration #youneverknowwhatotherpeoplestrikeinyou #inspiration #souls #life #choices #music #basketball #beinghonesttoyourself #neversettle

Music + Basketball

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LIVE

I am going to block everything and anything that is not what I want or deserve right now. Not because I am delusional, crazy, immature, naive and all of that, but because I finally know what I feel is what I want and need. So, yes, I fight overthinking, rocks and dirt thrown at me and my thoughts, including my own. I am learning everyday how to do this. It is hard after years of auto-sabotage and mean ass people not really wanting the best for me. I need to want the best 4 myself 1st. Stop overthinking, stop killing good things that happen to you, just stop!
LIVE! that’s everything I ask of you. to live. learn this verb. learn it and make it your life.

in order to start doing that I need to stop living in the past, in the future, and take each moment as it comes, like right now. Did you wake up today? Yes. Are you alive and breathing, yes? Take it from there. Do not go and already imagine the next moment, half of this day, tomorrow, next week, next year, are you there now? No. You are here right now. Every second you lose overthinking, stressing over shit you can’t control literally takes your life away. You cannot live a future planned life or a life that happened in the past. You cannot live yesterday, you cannot live the second that just passed.

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How are we so damn blind? What happened to us so bad that we simply can’t be just here breathing and living?

I know most of the things that happened to me, you know why? Because I carry them with me every freakin day, nights too, when I can’t sleep, when I roll over, overthinking. It’s done. Can’t do anything about it anymore. Everything you can control, is the outcome, not what happened.

I do understand that we cannot change what happened for ourselves or for others. What we can do is make a conscious choice, decision to be here. For yourself, for someone else.

I think that once you choose for yourself to be present, authentic, you can also do it for someone else. You can’t expect someone else to be here for you, if you choose not to. If you say you are, but your attitudes and acts show different. It starts from there. Admit things. Admit your pain, admit you’re scared, but also, decide for yourself that, that is not going to influence your next steps, anymore. Not in a denial way, like, “I’m good, never been better”, but deep inside you are shattered, but in a way such as “I lived hell, but I am choosing not to be in it every day of my life, anymore!” And, that has to be a conscious choice you make. You wake up and you simply feel that. No matter how many times you thought it before, or you knew you had to do it, one day you just wake up and you know, you let yourself admit it.

I do believe that one of the hardest things is to be present. It’s the easiest to live in your comfort zone, even if that is pain. We get comfortable with our pain. We attach to it. The more time passes, the harder it is to rip the band aid off. That wound needs to heal. Let the sun shine over it, let someone kiss it.

fully-present-in-the-now-eckhart-tolle-daily-quotes-sayings-picturesย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย  All we ever have is: now

I do not know your pain. You do not know mine. Every experience we had it was ours, we lived it. It made us suffer, it made us stronger, it also made us distant, cold. But, we are not that. We weren’t created to become cold. We were built with a heart beating inside ourselves. And, yes, I do know and understand that going thru all the craziness we understood that in order to save ourselves we needed to become numb, but it doesn’t do any good to the reason we were created.

Look at your soul beautiful human! Put your hand on your heart and feel it. That is you. That heart-beat stands for your life breathing throughout you. Isn’t that amazing? Isn’t being alive, everything? Everything else comes after it.

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So,

because I cannot take back time,

because you cannot do that either,

in this present day I can make this decision:

 

 

 

Am I scared? Yes. Do I know what I have to do? No. Am I gonna panic? Maybe. Is my pain and frustration gonna kick in at times? Most certainly.

Am I 100% sure I want to do this? Yes. ๐Ÿ™‚

No more agendas. No more overthinking. No more what that says, what I say, boundaries, social labeling. All that crap that only does harm.

Are you in this with me? No? then we ain’t having a conversation over it.

It is you and me. That’s it. Anyone else doesn’t live it with us. Everything I care about is what I feel, what you feel. And one thing I have to try and control is not hurting you willingly. I can’t take your pains away. But what I wanna do is: be here, be present, be authentic, working everyday to be and become a better version of myself for my own good 1st and 2nd in order not to give you any more pain, but more, to give you peace, love, understanding, support, appreciation, believing in you and your dreams, helping you become a better version of yourself for yourself 1st and then me and anyone else.

So, I made my decision, I spread it out there in the Universe. I trust it. ๐Ÿ™‚ and now I wanna embrace its vibrations.

Thank you God, that after all the pain, disappointment, hell,ย  it came this way… unplanned, after I was mind raped, literally, before I was almost 30. I always asked for it, I fantasized it in different ways, I also tried to fuck it up :)) as I always do, but thank God I woke up fast this time.

Learning not to overthink, learning not to fight, learning to grow, learning to take things as they are, learning not to destroy before birth, fighting to live.

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So:

  • no more fighting
  • no more overthinking
  • no more passive-aggressive bullshit
  • no more useless mind games
  • no more guilt trips
  • no more blame games
  • no more negativity
  • no more sleepless nights

And more of:

  • love
  • respect
  • support
  • appreciation
  • understanding
  • growth
  • learning
  • humbleness
  • patience

We’ve all been through enough. I gave myself 30 years of pain. I believe they are enough. And, no, I am not being delusional, I am not saying this like from tomorrow on is not going to be anymore struggle, all I am saying is that I am ready to go through this process of authentic living, in the present, including dealing with pain, struggles, but not in an unhealthy way, but in a way that helps me grow.

Thank you God for the Light. Thank you for the blessings. I know you are and will always be in this with me.

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ย ย ย ย ย ย  I am in this with you.

Nobody has ever asked me what I wanned

Since I was a kid, nobody has ever asked me: “do you want to go to Arts school?”, “do you wanna move?”, nobody gave a damn or let’s say better, I was a kid so why ask, nah?

Typical Eastern-European bullshit mentality… I once loved a man who told me this: my kid is 5 if he wants to play that sport, he will do it, so if it’s gonna get harder for him, I will say: you wanned to do that. the kid was 5, man! 5! I am not asked even now, when I am 29 what the hell I want…and it hurts. It hurts because at this age you can’t change someone.
Cuz if you did ask me what the hell I wanned the answer would be this: sell everything we own and let’s freakin move!
this country is eatin’ my soul up! I can’t take it anymore!
I didn’t need anyone to give me the world, I gave the world to myself. I’ve seen 3/4 out of this world on my own feet! You understand? I went to Antarctica. Nobody in my family can say this.
So, it is pretty hard to impress me with materialistic things, you know.
And, I can’t stand it anyway. I feel pity for each woman that is supported materialistically by a dude! I have 0 respect for you!
But, then, don’t get me wrong. I like objects. I like to buy stuff. On my own. I don’t like the feeling of being bought! Therefore, due to my current situation, which eats my soul bits by bits every day, I hate not being able to offer myself everything I want.
I do not want to live this way! Thinkin: “oh, I cannot spend this 100 lei (which is an insignificant sum of money) cuz uhmmmm… then I cannot do that.” that’s bullshit! and I don’t wanna live this way!

Nobody asked me when I left… every time I left: “yo! idiot, why do you wanna go?” do you think people leave because it is too good for them?
do you think, really, that loving you wasn’t enough for me to stay? you never asked yourself, why did she choose to go?

trust me… I have to live with it. not you. and I live, with each choice I ever made. with all of them. even if they ruined me, even if they left me empty and clueless.

this country is a dead-end for anyone that is tryin to live. because this is not livin, this is survivin. I don’t understand and I will never get it how people can live here. willingly. not wantin to leave. not wantin different. I understand if you don’t know different. but what I don’t understand is not questionin… how can you believe that this is it? that it can’t be more out there? Better?

I know it is my choice. I know it was my choice to leave, I know it was my choice to come back. and I know why. but I lost, based on my own choices 5 years of my life. can’t afford to lose 5 more. I already feel like I lost too much time. precious time. years that no one will ever give back to me.

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I go to sleep every night, to wake up next morking to go to work. I work my life. I sleep the weekends, or at least try to. I feel numb. Most of the times. I rarely go to see a movie with my brother or have a coffee with my best friend. The most I get out. Sometimes, I don’t even wanna leave the house.
I don’t feel like fightin anymore… you know… this numbness feelsย  like “home”. I don’t know if I have the power anymore to keep on tryin.
I feel selfish. I feel like somebody else should try. I feel like I’ve put enough effort out there. Why not get it in return?

I don’t know if not doing anything anymore equals with givin up. I don’t believe I gave up. My soul is still here. I can sense somehow my heart beatin’. not as strong as before. No doubt, but definitely not dead.

I used to dream. I used to wish for this and that. Now, even if I do… something inside of me doesn’t believe it as I used to. And it’s weird. because I realize all of it.

I gave myself the world. It wasn’t enough.
I fell in love at home, it wasn’t enough.

I am at home. It isn’t enough.

I ran away, it wasn’t enough.

What should I do next?

Life coachin? ๐Ÿ™‚ haha I could and I coach all of you. I don’t find it rewarding anymore. I am selfish. I think you can all coach yourselves. And be fuckin responsible for yourselves, for once. Or don’t be. Just don’t make me witness it.

You can call me mean, cold-blooded. I couldn’t care less.
Were any of you lately in my life? Tryin? Genuinely givin’ back? I hear? Nah. Stay there then. Save my troubles.

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I’ve been crossin oceans, not drive hours. and for what?

 

 

And I ignored it big time, from the 1st night, from the first “hey”. And I knew from the 1st “hey” that you’re gonna be trouble. I bet on my own soul, and I lost.

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How am I ever gonna get rid of the pain that I was rewarded with?

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I need to save my own life. I don’t need anyone’s salvation.

I don’t need anyone’s time, that I’d hear later about.

Everything has a price nowadays. Humans seem to be the most expensive thing you can afford. The price is losin’ your soul. And, I swear it ain’t worth it. None.

I don’t seem to find it easy to pay that price anymore. Or ever, for what it takes.

I am tired. and I am getting old. I simply can’t deal with all your bullshit, anymore. I pull back easy.

I know I need to move myself. I don’t expect shit from anyone. It makes me sick to my stomach knowin’ that I owe somethin’ to someone.

I owe myself to myself, 1st.

I wish I could forgive myself one day for letting you destroy me. And I wish I did that by really moving on. By not punishing myself every single day.

I’ve lost 5 years. I swear, I can’t 5 more.

God! give me the power to find my own soul back. give me the strength to leave. I just need to pack a bag and go. remember, when you were 22? it was easy back then. all the baggage moved me further, not kept me stoned to the ground.

No puedo mas…

I live a life that I hate, but I still wake up every fuckin’ mornin to live it.

All I pray for now is to find the strength to leave. that’s everything I want. I don’t wanna breathe this air. I don’t wanna wake up in this bitch anymore.

I need to be in love with my life again. And even though I know all the ways to teach myself that, I don’t have the energy anymore.

I float in this numbness, not hopin anymore, not dreamin, not lovin… just being. I breathe, but I can’t hear my own breathing anymore. I don’t wanna say I take it for granted, because no doubt, I am grateful to be alive, I just don’t find that higher meaning in it. and you know me… everything has to have a meaning, a deeper one.

I stepped off the track for a bit. for a while. maybe my soul needed rest. and a massage. that I will definitely give to myself in a few days.

Lovin all the men, I don’t love any. Facts. side effect of you.

I love myself, tho’ and that’s all that matters!
If I have myself, I have everything, even when I think I have nothing left.

March on, Alexandra, you got this! You always did!

Anyway, you are not allowed to go crazy, everybody else can, you are not allowed!

I am proud of who you are, of who you were, of whatever you are going to become! That’s everything I need! Not you, not your love, not your support, not your respect, not anything.

Me, myself and I… is all I got.

Out.

Peace.

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We did. But, I am still here. Still serious.

Emptiness

I come to this empty house every night after work and it’s a complete silence. I’ve always enjoyed silence. My silence. But, right now when my head is full of crazy thoughts and regrets, this silence is painful. But, I accept the pain. I know why it’s here. I know why it’s more acute now.

These months, June and July have always sucked for the past years. Either cuz I did or cuz I didn’t do something. Now, it’s because none. I did nothing, but also, I don’t know if something changed if I tried more. I will never know really.

The fact is that I was so damn sure. I was so damn sure that 2nd of June wasn’t the last time. That we will finally have an hour in this Universe where we could settle things down. Where I could shut down this chapter for good. I was so sure. I don’t think you thought this would go this way, as well. Why would it have? Makes sense, if I analyze it, but it doesn’t really. But then… how many years can somebody cope with you before he/she gives up on you? This time, it wasn’t me, who did it. Somebody that loved you even more than I did (yes, that is possible), did. Which took us both by surprise. Should have I done something? Should have I tapped somebody on the shoulder and say: “hello, I need you to do this one more year, I promise I don’t need more.”. I didn’t. Now, I regret, I didn’t.

I wish all the best for you. As you have always wished for me. And I know you meant it. Thru all the fuss and fights we’ve been, I know you always meant good. I know those eyes. I looked into them last month and they are the same ones I knew years back. You could never really hurt voluntarily anybody. Yes, you play, yes you are a clown, but, those eyes are so pure beyond all the mess that you, that you couldn’t really hurt any living soul.

It hurts that I am the only one that knew you this well. It hurts that not even you are not ready to accept who you really are. It sucks that I will always live with regrets just because I am the crazy one who knows what your soul is, and nobody else. It would be easier, of course if I played everybody’s whistle. Yea he is that. A ruthless son of a bitch that doesn’t care about shit, just his own interests.

They will never know… how you used to sign in my back-head, with your amazin Ne-Yo combined with Usher voice, during your sleeping time before practices, in the afternoon, holding me while we were trying to sleep. I have never felt like that since I was a kid. That feeling like you are back in your mother’s arms where nothing can ever hurt you. That’s how you made me feel. You didn’t have to do this daily. You had this amazing capability of doing certain things that nobody has ever done them before and they are impregnated all over me, still.

And then, there was Music. The most important thing for my soul. The main thing that defines me. From the 1st moment I entered that room, I still remember the sexy playlist you were listening to (I invented sex – Trey), haha. Man, I have never, beside my sister sang “The best man I can be” with a man ever in my life. and that is an old song, that not everybody knows, not even from the black guys. I used to ask: “isn’t it weird to you, that I know all these songs?”, “No, it feels normal to me”, you used to say. Lookin into my eyes sayin: “have you watched Brown Sugar?” (one of my fave movies), “yea”, “because a lot of the things you say, are from there”, “well, that’s true because that’s who I am, the movie just came to show me that.

It is crazy how, I’ve never asked from God to send me somebody that had more than everything. Few years back if you asked me, I would have said: I want him to be that, that, not that and so. When I met you, you had all of that, and more. I still can’t realize. Maybe, because I don’t wanna realize what I had in front of my eyes and never having the guts to actually say: “you freaking idiot, I prayed for a version of what I thought you are, my whole life, and then when you finally came, you were more than I ever imagined!”

What can we do out of fear? What can we do when we are young, we’ve already been thru shit, and we are fucking scared to accept what we really feel.

I do not want to live a life of compromise. I don’t wanna be that kind of stereotype that tells stories to her kids about a love lost and how they should go for what they love because I didn’t have the guts to.

I have lost you so many times. And now, the pain is not as before. Now, it’s the kind of pain like when you know you can’t do anything anymore. My soul cries, but it is not a crying soul that still hopes, it is a grief. I am mourning your loss. I work from morning till evening so I can spend the least time possible thinking about it. Decreasing the time when I am invaded by regrets, because I think I’d go crazy, if I thought one minute more per day how everything happened. How I had you here for a whole year and I didn’t say anything, until the last day.

How can somebody that you pretend you love can ever cope with this? Even the most open-minded, tolerant person will never accept this cruelness. And you promised yourself, Alexandra 9 years ago that you will never do this, that no matter what somebody does to you, you will always at least say hello. What have you done from August last year? Exactly the opposite. But in the last day, I took your hand, I looked into those eyes and they were still there, still lookin at me like in the 1st days. Like nothing has ever happened. Like the hurt and the pain has never happened. Who does that? That killed me right there. I cried.

I apologize. It is completely useless to say: “I am sorry”, right now, though I feel like saying it 100 times per day. I cannot do anything to take any thing back. I cannot bring you back. And even if could, I could have never promised you a different way. Because, this is who I am, and you know best.

I am sorry I never had the guts to tell you from the beginning how I felt, and how much I loved you. I am sorry I hurt you before anything. I am sorry I didn’t put in effort and fight when I was feelin hurt, but instead I ran away. I’m sorry from runnin away from you so many times, just because I was scared. I know you know cuz I told you, but still it doesn’t excuse my behaviors. When I was hurt: I should have said: this is wrong, and it hurts me, not crawl inside myself and develop a hatred towards you. And those kept on piling up and then the only solution I always found was to leave. Leave you hangin. Mostly. I should have fought. I should have acted differently, acceptin what was happenin. I was 24 and my life was a mess, and when you happened, everything was out of this world. It was normal. For the 1st time in my life I was living something normal. My soul was at peace for the 1st time. I didn’t feel the need to run anymore. Until, I realized it was too much for me, and I did. But I didn’t come to you saying: baby, I can’t, I’m sorry, I know what we established, but that, that doesn’t work for me anymore, because I love you and you are more than I’ve ever imagined. No. Instead, I left. With all my frustrations. With all my pain. With all my love. That I never knew how to show it to you.

I’m layin next to a man, and I do not feel anything. Even if I do it’s for seconds and it never lasts. It’s like I have these traces of poison of you somewhere inside my body and they don’t let me enjoy anything fo real. Like something somewhere has to activate and remind myself: this is not you, so why even bother? Am I gonna live like that for a lifetime? Am I gonna be incomplete for ever?

I swear to God if you ask me what you did to me and why I am this way I cannot understand. And there isn’t a logical answer. I just know I can’t feel anymore what I used to. I still have butterflies in my stomach even 5 years later. Why? It doesn’t make any sense. It’s not like I program my head to be this way. No. I want myself to move on. I want myself to have butterflies for somebody else. For my self, 1st!

I can’t take it back now. I pray to God that I will feel something else for real sometime soon and that I won’t be scared to show it. That I won’t run away. That if you ever come back my way, as you have so many times, including when I didn’t want you to, I pray we have 1 hour to say a proper good-bye. That’s everything I want. Closure. A proper good-bye baby. I love you, and I will love your for some years now, but I need to move on, at peace. Because, like this I am trapped. I know you have your life and for you it’s easier, but I am by myself in an empty house, that I come back to every night and I go insane. I sleep as fast as possible, so I don’t get invaded by dirty thoughts. By losing you. By not doing anything, when it mattered, not to.

I am sorry, and I know I will never find somebody else like you. I know you were the answer to what I asked for my whole life. You were in front of me and I didn’t see it, or better said I refused to believe.

I don’t think I’ve ever hurt a man willingly, more than I hurt you.

I’m sorry, I failed.

I love you.

“cuz everything that you would do, would make me fall in love with you…”

 

There’s nothin left inside of me, but this emptiness, this untouchable abyss, this nothingness, that I do not have time or wish to rebuild from scratch in order to feel something else, one day. I have given you everything. Even though you believe it was nothing. I didn’t know how to show you better.

I am empty. You left me empty. A part of me will be in each place your soul will be, tiny parts of me trapped in this world, spread all over, not being able to reconnect each other in order to make a whole again.

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hearin tha ball drop… it will never feel tha same again… ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

 

What keeps you here?

Nothin’.

That is the plain simple truth.

Before, 1 month ago, 2 years ago, 5 years ago I would have answered: my health, my team, basketball, I need stability in my life…right.

My health… I left in a contract 2 months after I woke up on a surgery table. I left because I couldn’t bare with you anymore.

1st time I left was to search for you. When you actually came to my home. 2nd time I left because you were in my home, and so the 3rd and the 4th time… who does that to somebody that cares for you? How many times can you put somebody that loves you through the same shit? How many times are they goin to come back?

One last time, I thought. I really thought I had a 2nd chance, the trillion time again. And, I don’t actually. The Universe decided for me, 2 days ago. I do not get to have a 2nd chance, once more. I don’t deserve it. I mean, I know. I know how many opportunities I had and I blew them all. Why? Out of fear. You were too good to be true.

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Few months back I said If I get this job, my boys will win the championship. And they did. And I was here to witness this historical moment. My family, my boys have won the national championship. That feeling of uniqueness! Of well deserved hard work that paid off in the end! I cannot still, express in words how it made me feel. And that I was at home, here seeing it in front of my eyes, not readin it from 10.000 miles away. So, yes this was a good decision stayin here, this year. Thou, I was the whole year cruel. I let you pass by, a whole year, without a hello, without a wink. Nothin’. Who does this, Alexandra? You did. For sure. And you ain’t proud now! Especially now, that you know you don’t have another shot to repair it. No more shots for you, Alexandra! You’ve had tons. Blew them all away. We always take people for granted. We always say to our selves: “if they stayed this one time, why wouldn’t they this time too?” Well, they prove you wrong, at one point. Or, better said, you prove yourself wrong. You cannot treat people like crap and expect them to stay there everytime. You gots to wake up at one point! And every time I did it, was too late. Now, for sure it is too late.

I am sorry. I am sorry I hurt you. I am sorry I treated you like crap. I am sorry I do not have the chance to say this in your face, anymore. I know, I had all the chances.

I am thankful for my health. God has been great to me, always! My health is stable now, thank God! My boys have won the championship, and you are not coming back, so I literally do not have any excuse to stay here, anymore.

I cannot live like this. There’s no reason for me to stay here. The only real reason I’ve ever had to be here, was you. This is the plain truth. The raw truth. If I named it differently was to try to trick my mind that you weren’t that important for me. That I wasn’t making life decisions because of you. But, I did. 5 years of my life! 5! For fucks sake! 5 years lost out of my life! Left me with nothin’! Well, I can tell you what it did leave me with. A hole, stone, cold inside my body. It left me with the incapacity of feeling anymore. A man lays his hands on me now and I don’t feel anything. And for the the 1st times this happened I thought: “hey this is nothin”, but now, it doesn’t matter how much I like the guy or nah, it doesn’t make me feel anything. It’s like some poisoned traces of you are still there. Not letting me enjoy, not letting me feel. Why? Why when we didn’t have anything palpable in years?

When I woke up on the ICU table, I woke up screaming your name. That very second I knew I cannot trick my subconscious. You were so deep down impregnated in my mind, that in the hardest moment of my life, you were there. My mind was stronger than my thoughts that were trained to get rid of any trace of you. Well, those damn traces are still here.

Am I going to live like this for the rest of my life? With this poison inside that doesn’t let me feel? Who are you to deserve this sacrifice of mine? What have you done to my soul?

I needed an extra hour. 1. I couldn’t have it. I knew for sure I would get it. That’s why I didn’t panic. Should I now? Or, should I just move on? (Finally!)

I don’t know if this emptiness will ever go away. I don’t know if I am going to ever see you again. As you promised ๐Ÿ™‚

No matter what, even if I am hollow for the rest of my life, I wish you well. You deserve it. You deserve to be a great man to your family.

The last piece of a lie, died. You are not here anymore to keep me. Nothin else can keep me here. I still can’t believe that you managed to keep me here, somehow 5 years. 5. But, I loved you. In my messed up way, I did. I know I never knew how to show it to you, but you weren’t exactly the type of guy, either, that has ever accepted who he really was, and that the kind of love I was able to give you was what you really needed.

Nobody, will ever know you the way I did. Even if I do not know or want to know you as the whole world does, as you know yourself.

It’s the hardest to let go when you don’t get to say good-bye. You have to imagine it. The rupture. You have to picture it as it happened. We never said good-bye. But, I will now:

Good-bye my one true love. I don’t know if I’ll ever love again. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel anything anymore. I gave everything I have left to you, though you’ve never seen it, because based on your words I’ve never shown you. I am sorry for all the hurt and all the bullshit I put you through. You did deserve better. I deserve better.

Goodbye.

runnin’ out of time

In June, last year, God has blessed me with a miracle. Something I could never dream it will happen.

As you know, if you read my blog, I worked abroad for few years and for over a year I am at home. Waitin on I don’t know what. I battled in between leaving again and staying. 2 weeks ago, I got a call. I’m starting a new job for a company that I like and the job is the best option I can have for now, here. I asked God to decide for me, and He did. I got the job. I don’t think I realize fully that I’m goin to start somethin at home fo real, but I am excited because I will start working very soon. And for me that is the most important. As long as I work I am alive.

But, on the other side… why Alexandra, why? Why are you lettin your old ways come in the way of your happiness? Why, did you choose to run away, as always? Why, when God made a miracle, for YOU? for YOU!

I lost, not the love of my life, but a very important man in my life, because of my ways. Because I grew up runnin away. Because I was taught from an early age that runnin away is the solution. It ain’t. And, yes, I do realize that I am almost 29 and by now I should understand what I have been thru and I should act accordingly. But, something doesn’t let me. I still feel like runnin away. Most of the times. Or, when it matters.

Every day of the week, I see in front of my eyes the miracle God has blessed me with. I have dreamed plenty of dreams for me. God has blessed me not with everythin I dreamed about, He has blessed me with more. With even more things that I didn’t even have the time to dream about until they happened. You, were one of those. And, I am thankful, Lord knows I enjoyed everytime I was aware of what was happenin in front of my eyes. But, also beside being blown away by this, I blew it too, few times. I’ve been thru a lot, and yes I do know that is not an excuse. But, obviously after few bumps in the wall, I can’t give my trust and confidence away that easy. The problem is that I do not choose. I take everyone as guilty. And then, in between all the messed up people there are a few, that really have done no harm to me ever, and there were times when I treated them like everybody else who did.

Should I apologize for my attitudes and behaviour? If this is who I am? Should I pretend I trust you and you, if deep down I actually don’t?

I can’t.

I learned to live a life by myself. I choose the people that are in my life and when they are in my life. If I don’t feel like you should be there, you won’t, trust me. And then, it comes the time when I realize that I feel you should be there, and it may be too late. Like now. 8 damn months, Alexandra. 8. Are you proud of yourself? What did you do? After leaving and leaving and hurting the same person over and over again, you did the exact same thing, with one difference, you were the whole time here, now!

I ain’t proud of myself. I ain’t.

I feel like I’m runnin out of time. less than 2 months, and…I already started to feel regrets. Can I do somethin about it in this short period of time? Yes, I can. I need a day, few hours. God, guide me in the right way!

I am sorry I lost all this time, fighting, arguing, distancing, lettin my old ways be me, when I really wanted it to be different this time. When, you make me feel in a way nothin else does.

I do believe I still have time, thou. And, God I know I am askin for too much. I already did. But, please, I need one more push. Enlighten me in the right way!

Thank you for blessing me. Thank you for giving me more than I asked for. Thank you for having my back always. Thank you for all the opportunities, thank you for the unconditional love, support and for believing in my soul, my strength, my personality and everything that I am. For it all, I do not deserve to ask for one little bit of a thing, anymore. But, here I am, doing it. I need You, one more time. I need You to make this one time happen. 30 minutes. Everything I need. Let me try, let me try to make it up for everything I messed up. You did this already twice for me. You didn’t ask me to run away anymore. And I chose to still run. I know I am to blame. I am sorry. Give me the courage to learn, give me the Light to improve, give me the power to stop runnin.

I want peace of mind. I want to stay in one single place and feel content. I don’t want to have that feeling like my toes are burning and I need to run as far as I can see. I deserve peace. I deserve, you.

Life is so short…

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…and you are so beautiful, baby.