Since I came back home I’ve been thinkin bout writin… and sincerely I didn’t know where to start from… 🙂 I guess now’s the time. I am on my way to Bucharest, coming from Timisoara, where I’ve spend an amazing time with my girls n my people. It feels so good and right to be back to my soul.
1stly I wanna talk about my life before I came back home.
In July 2011 I left Romania for New York to start a new contract, away on the open seas. I needed to leave again. I saw New York for the 1st time and I was so amazed and impressed. Like a lil kid stunned bout everything being so high and him lookin up on it! Exactly like that I felt in New York. Lilttle and amazed! An amazin city that I would like to live in for a lil while, one day.
My job contract, for 6 months was with ups and downs, with hatred and frustrations while being there and with happiness and joy, as well.
I needed this time, back here, or just to be somewhere, to be able to be mentally free and thoughtful. I just needed to lay back and visualize my life and everything that happened and I accomplished. Everything I lived. Everything I’ve been thru. What a journey!!!
It was an amazing experience New York, Bermuda, South America. It was so blissful to be able to reach the home of Hip Hop, the dream I’ve always dreamed about! 🙂 Since I was a lil kid, blessed by the music, I wanted to be able to feel Hip Hop in its own home. And I did. Simply blessed! Bermuda, what an island! With people that are so nice that I was actually thinking that they wanna steal or rob! Haha, what a fool vision! But, coming from where I come from and with the people I’m used, you know, taught to be thinkin bout the worst, that’s how I felt! But, they were so real, so nice, so modest and respectful everywhere! I was treated so nice, and I am so happy that I was able to spend more days during a week there for about 3 months. Meetin great people, one I would like to mention, Vern, a chef from a pub that brought me a chocolate cake just like that, in the middle of the pub one day, just cuz he knew I was nice and worthy haha, enjoyin the time at the beaches, amazin places, in Bermuda. I miss that island. I miss the people and I miss like crazy the moments I’ve spend there and the positive vibes my life was charged with just being there! Blessed!
South America! The huge continent, with goods n bads. I can say a lot of things about it. I guess one time in your life you have to see this part of the world, too. I mean, I am thankful I am one of the people that was lucky enough to get there and at such a young age, as well.
My dream, before I started my 2nd journey was to go to Rio de Janeiro. And it happened. I’ve posted about my experience there so I’m not gonna repeat much, just the fact that I am not scared to dream anymore, to encourage everybody to do so, cuz I am a livin proof and because fulfillin our dreams, makes us happy, confident and gives us a lot of strength to go on and on!
I’ve been seeing crazy places that I know most of the people just can dream about, or just reach one of them, maybe once and I am so blessed everytime I think about it. I have been to Antarctica, twice, what an amazing place! You gotta see it once! Penguins, snow, peace, water, ice! Sounds nothing out of ordinary, but when you get there, you feel it! Been to Chile, Argentina, Brazil, Uruguay! Each and every of these places have something amazin! I will always carry the memories I’ve lived there in my heart!
Everything I’ve done so far, is all gathered inside of me, and gives me a huge power every time I think about it. Every second I visualize where I’ve been and what I’ve done makes me feel more and more grateful. I don’t know why I was chosen to be a part of this experience, but I know I deserve it, I am aware of the fact that I gotta pay back and I do, but I am so happy and fulfilled!
All of these would have meant nothing if I didn’t have somebody to share them with. Yes! I am really blessed! I know what you guys are thinkin while you are reading this: this lady right here she is really blessed! I’ve got it all! 🙂 Not in a selfish way, but finally after so many years of struggle, nothing was useless, finally it pays back. It was that time when I had to be able to be loved and love back, with my whole heart and feel alright about that! These whole past years I’ve been alone, with people coming and leaving my life, with amazing friends, but lonely – my personality and my choices – and finally I met somebody that it took me more than a year to realize what he means for me and what he did to my life!
I really needed this time to reflect. I must say it one more time. I needed to come back to my mind and freedom to be able to rethink everything I lived and realize once again how thankful I am and what an amazing journey I put my step on. Because when I’m gone, I never have the time, and I think a lot, that’s what I’ve been doin my whole life, everything has to be analyzed and understood. At work I don’t have that time, so now I’m takin that back. 🙂
I told somebody the other days that I don’t have time to read anymore, and it was so surprised: how can you not have time to read? And I said I work a lot and more of that, I don’t feel like seeking for answers, crazily, desperately. I don’t need to understand everythin, mostly things that don’t interact with me or my life and that make me feel just heavier. I’ve got my answer. The answer is: LOVE! 🙂
Baby 🙂 I don’t know how you found me, or how in the world you had the patience to deal with all the crap that was gathered inside of me. I guess you knew from the start it was worthy. I am so thankful for that! I am so blessed to have you! I am so blessed to be able to realize and accept what an amazing man you are! How amazing you make me be! There are a lot of things to say, but I’ll mention just some.
You changed my life! 🙂 For the better! And without even noticing it! I was all this time blind, all this time shut-down to love, to being loved and appreciated! And it took me one damn year to realize! My life changed a lot since I started workin abroad. Situations and my kinda thoughts forced me to. And it is for the better, definitely. I’ve been thru crazy stuffs, but they all made me who I am. Everything I’ve been experiencin was meant to help me become who I am today. And who I’m going to be tomorrow. Cuz it’s a continuously process! Of which I am aware. I’ve opened my eyes, to everything now. I don’t refuse things, like I used to, cuz of fear, frustrations and everything else! My heart is open! Love opened it!
Before I was loved and I allowed myself to love somebody this much and real everythin I was experiencin was somehow incomplete. But now, I feel, truly that thru love I am complete. Everything I do has a sense. Every word I express to people has sense, has foundation. I’ve always been a powerful lady, but now, thru everything I’ve experienced and with this great love I’ve got, everything, everything is so different from what I used to know. It’s like now, for the 1st time in my life I am really alive! Everything is so real! I am really aware of everything. I am aware of my thoughts, of who I am, of what I am able to do, of the influence I’ve got on the people that are close to me, the love I am capable of, the fear of being loved that I let go. Everything is so clear now in my mind! If it wasn’t for love, and for you to show me all these things, all the appreciation, I would have never really opened my eyes. I would have been always semi-conscious. And that’s not livin! That’s semi-livin!
I refused love, cuz I was scared. Though I knew I was missin out on stuff, I said no. But you conquered me! And thank God you did! What an amazin man you are! I am so proud of you! Of your strength, of the calm your whole being has. Of that fact, that no matter what, you never had and you will never be able to spread negative vibes. There’s something about u, you cannot hate, you cannot wish bad, you simply don’t feel that, no matter the situation. What an amazin quality! Whatever I did, no matter how stupid it was, you were still there, always surroundin me with so much love. You knew, that a person like me would never betray her way of being, in a normal way, easily, so you covered me with so much love, respect, attention, caring, so much of everything, for me! I was scared so many times and it took me a lot to accept the fact that you are doing them for me and that I’m worthy of them and of you and this is how it has to be, there’s nothing wrong with it. I am so happy that I opened my eyes. I am so happy that I didn’t deny you, that I didn’t run away! You changed my views, I do believe now that you can change so many things thru love. Real love! I found real love thru you, and there’s nothing like fairytales, there’s nothing like you gotta be this way in order for me to like you. The hell with all that delusional crap. Everythin is real as it is. You are an amazin man for who you are, not for what I want you to be! And I am so thankful that you are mine! For the 1st time in my life, with you I felt how is to be touched with love! When you put your hands around me I actually feel the huge love that you’ve got for me. It’s one of the best feelings in the world and I don’t need to experience anything else in that moment! It’s simply amazin and blissful to be touched by love! You are a huge source of love! If you were able to change me, trust me:) you need to be 10 times stronger than my personality and my thoughts built in 24 years of life, and you are! I’ve always said that the person that will make me smile and love, for real has to be 10 times stronger than me to be able to destroy everythin I’ve built among the years, in order to protect me from crap and crappy people!
I am no longer afraid to express my feelings. I don’t panic that you will leave or not love me anymore. I simply know you will always do. And there’s nothing certain nowhere nowadays and it doesn’t have to be. The moment, the experience, the strong feelings are everything. We are our own certainties. No matter what happens, even if I remain lonely tomorrow, I am changed, I am able to feel love, I am free, I am not running away anymore. Cuz you didn’t just offered me a friendship and a relationship and somebody to be there, you changed a whole perspective of life. And even if something bad happens I am safe in my own skin 🙂 and I will move on, thru my power and positive vibration!
I love you, my great love! I respect you more than I love you! I am so happy and thankful to have you! I pray for your good, for mine, for your family and for our future! Whatever happens I will always thank you for the amazing love you are blessing me with, for changing my life, for believin me and in me, for doing all the things you always did for me and for everything that you are! God bless you! God bless your soul! God bless us! Everything’s real!
Next post is gonna be about my life since I came back! 🙂 Blessed and thankful for everything! Thank you God for everything you are sendin my way, for enlightenin me, for givin me power always and mostly in the moments I felt I couldn’t take it anymore, for blessing me with real people and real love and for allowing my being to see things that I didn’t even have time to dream about! Thankful! So thankful! I am a whole being, in tune with herself, conscious, open to this experience and willing to do so many beautiful things! The world, the people, with God in them, myself is divine! Happy, thankful and loved!
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