runnin’ out of time

In June, last year, God has blessed me with a miracle. Something I could never dream it will happen.

As you know, if you read my blog, I worked abroad for few years and for over a year I am at home. Waitin on I don’t know what. I battled in between leaving again and staying. 2 weeks ago, I got a call. I’m starting a new job for a company that I like and the job is the best option I can have for now, here. I asked God to decide for me, and He did. I got the job. I don’t think I realize fully that I’m goin to start somethin at home fo real, but I am excited because I will start working very soon. And for me that is the most important. As long as I work I am alive.

But, on the other side… why Alexandra, why? Why are you lettin your old ways come in the way of your happiness? Why, did you choose to run away, as always? Why, when God made a miracle, for YOU? for YOU!

I lost, not the love of my life, but a very important man in my life, because of my ways. Because I grew up runnin away. Because I was taught from an early age that runnin away is the solution. It ain’t. And, yes, I do realize that I am almost 29 and by now I should understand what I have been thru and I should act accordingly. But, something doesn’t let me. I still feel like runnin away. Most of the times. Or, when it matters.

Every day of the week, I see in front of my eyes the miracle God has blessed me with. I have dreamed plenty of dreams for me. God has blessed me not with everythin I dreamed about, He has blessed me with more. With even more things that I didn’t even have the time to dream about until they happened. You, were one of those. And, I am thankful, Lord knows I enjoyed everytime I was aware of what was happenin in front of my eyes. But, also beside being blown away by this, I blew it too, few times. I’ve been thru a lot, and yes I do know that is not an excuse. But, obviously after few bumps in the wall, I can’t give my trust and confidence away that easy. The problem is that I do not choose. I take everyone as guilty. And then, in between all the messed up people there are a few, that really have done no harm to me ever, and there were times when I treated them like everybody else who did.

Should I apologize for my attitudes and behaviour? If this is who I am? Should I pretend I trust you and you, if deep down I actually don’t?

I can’t.

I learned to live a life by myself. I choose the people that are in my life and when they are in my life. If I don’t feel like you should be there, you won’t, trust me. And then, it comes the time when I realize that I feel you should be there, and it may be too late. Like now. 8 damn months, Alexandra. 8. Are you proud of yourself? What did you do? After leaving and leaving and hurting the same person over and over again, you did the exact same thing, with one difference, you were the whole time here, now!

I ain’t proud of myself. I ain’t.

I feel like I’m runnin out of time. less than 2 months, and…I already started to feel regrets. Can I do somethin about it in this short period of time? Yes, I can. I need a day, few hours. God, guide me in the right way!

I am sorry I lost all this time, fighting, arguing, distancing, lettin my old ways be me, when I really wanted it to be different this time. When, you make me feel in a way nothin else does.

I do believe I still have time, thou. And, God I know I am askin for too much. I already did. But, please, I need one more push. Enlighten me in the right way!

Thank you for blessing me. Thank you for giving me more than I asked for. Thank you for having my back always. Thank you for all the opportunities, thank you for the unconditional love, support and for believing in my soul, my strength, my personality and everything that I am. For it all, I do not deserve to ask for one little bit of a thing, anymore. But, here I am, doing it. I need You, one more time. I need You to make this one time happen. 30 minutes. Everything I need. Let me try, let me try to make it up for everything I messed up. You did this already twice for me. You didn’t ask me to run away anymore. And I chose to still run. I know I am to blame. I am sorry. Give me the courage to learn, give me the Light to improve, give me the power to stop runnin.

I want peace of mind. I want to stay in one single place and feel content. I don’t want to have that feeling like my toes are burning and I need to run as far as I can see. I deserve peace. I deserve, you.

Life is so short…

…and you are so beautiful, baby.