I have some time now, when I can’t sleep, my eyes are open, my mind doesn’t want to go to sleep, everybody is outside partyin, me stayin in, under the blankets cuz it’s cold like crazy, I just don’t wanna be a part of any crap… usual freakin crap… I wanna be with myself… I’m tryin not to think… but I barely manage… I am countin days, so I can go home and see everybody I miss and care about… this life… this life is nothing I want… I proved myself the 2nd time and I don’t need any more proofs. It’s not me, it will never be me and I hate actin against my own self, when I know for sure I am something else, I don’t belong to this kinda world, and the more I postpone it, the more harm I do to myself, and I don’t deserve it. I have to, even if I don’t completely realize all the time, I have to work for my own good. I have to grow. I have to take care of my energy and with whom I spend it. I need to follow the steps of the path I’ve stepped on. I have to follow the Light. It’s hard when you are on your own, but I gotta do it. There’s no way back. I know that. I guess I have to tell myself that I had to proove myself so I can move from it. This way, NO! Turn left, and take the other way. 1 more month. Thank God! I have so many people to go back to. It’s so great the feeling to know that I am loved and awaited like crazy. And the feeling is mutual. I can’t wait to see my folks and my brother and my girls, and my best buddies. They mean a lot to me! 
I am so blessed to have found amazin people, that chose to be close to me thru this journey. I am so thankful.
I believe that 3 months or so, being here, I didn’t even think about it… I mean… you know no panics… but suddenly at one point it just hit me… him… he is still there… he is still askin for his portion of energy… for his part of my soul. And I can’t say no. I don’t wanna say no. It was just a lil bit surprising because I didn’t feel him there… I mean he will never totally fade away… it’s just… it was quiet… peacefull… but now, for like 2 months, pff… it can get a lil bit crazy… I miss you babe… It’s unconditional and it will never change. I have no idea how you are still here, and I am still here, feeling. Feeling you, feeling us… everything, you know, like there has never been space or time gap. I don’t know what it means or what to do… I just let it flow… I am happy that I am still able to feel you… I will always… but I would like I don’t know, for you to stop, and we should face it and that’s it. I mean once and for all. I can’t continue like this. I mean… I have only the hope that I will go home and my mind will clear and I will see the right way… what to do…I am praying for that. And I know I will see the light thru. I’ve accomplished so many things so far, by myself, with God’s power and I am so thankfull and blessed, but this huge task has to be done as well. I am praying for guidance, I am prayin for light on the path so I can see clearly and go on. It has to be done with it. I love you, but I can’t anymore. I will always have the same unexplainable feelings, but you need to face me once and for all. Stop being such a coward, cuz you aren’t, deep down, I know that and just speak your real mind. No lies, no tricks, no Alexandra you gotta go away, cuz I am crazy with people, you know me. Yes I do know you! Please remember that! I know you like nobody else! You have to remind yourself that fact, cuz I know! I am still waitin on you to wake up, to refuse to lie anymore, to stop playing and start fighting for yourself, cuz nobody will, if you don’t! You have nobody! Nobody literally that would do it for you. And that pisses you off, makes you mad and then you start playin smart, so the others don’t sense it, like we are all stupid.
Let’s make it clear: you are the love of ma life. There’s no other higher feeling than the one I’ve got inside. I am proud to be human and to feel what I feel, but this feeling can’t stop me from living my life. I love you and I will love you unconditionally. You are the pure part of me. But somehow I gotta move on, with that, inside me, and without you. It’s hard as hell, but I gotta see that road. God will enlighten me. I will see the way.
It’s the 1st day of 2012 and I began it in Punta Arenas, Chile. Nothing to say but the fact that I am at the end of the world. I am happy and proud. I miss everybody I love but I am cool. I am loved and blessed to have everything I have. I love and I am loved. I am praying to find ways, the best ways for my own good. I want my people to be healthy and happy. I don’t care about anything else. God is up. He is watching everything, so I am trustful. Thank you God for everything I’ve received. I am grateful. Bless me with good people and good moments and help me take care of my soul. I can’t wait to leave, so I can free my soul. Please help me, one last time to clear my soul and mind towards him. I need that, more than ever.
To a better year, I salute! I wish everything is different this year. I wish it is a prosperious year full with good energy and positive people. I’m tired of crap and idiots. I wanna be able to fly, to grow, to feel my soul breathing. I wish for Light. God, please help me bear everything I have to carry. I need power!
feelinasoul
