words… nothin else January 1, 2012

I have some time now, when I can’t sleep, my eyes are open, my mind doesn’t want to go to sleep, everybody is outside partyin, me stayin in, under the blankets cuz it’s cold like crazy, I just don’t wanna be a part of any crap… usual freakin crap… I wanna be with myself… I’m tryin not to think… but I barely manage… I am countin days, so I can go home and see everybody I miss and care about… this life… this life is nothing I want… I proved myself the 2nd time and I don’t need any more proofs. It’s not me, it will never be me and I hate actin against my own self, when I know for sure I am something else, I don’t belong to this kinda world, and the more I postpone it, the more harm I do to myself, and I don’t deserve it. I have to, even if I don’t completely realize all the time, I have to work for my own good. I have to grow. I have to take care of my energy and with whom I spend it. I need to follow the steps of the path I’ve stepped on. I have to follow the Light. It’s hard when you are on your own, but I gotta do it. There’s no way back. I know that. I guess I have to tell myself that I had to proove myself so I can move from it. This way, NO! Turn left, and take the other way. 1 more month. Thank God! I have so many people to go back to. It’s so great the feeling to know that I am loved and awaited like crazy. And the feeling is mutual. I can’t wait to see my folks and my brother and my girls, and my best buddies. They mean a lot to me! I am so blessed to have found amazin people, that chose to be close to me thru this journey. I am so thankful.

I believe that 3 months or so, being here, I didn’t even think about it… I mean… you know no panics… but suddenly at one point it just hit me… him… he is still there… he is still askin for his portion of energy… for his part of my soul. And I can’t say no. I don’t wanna say no. It was just a lil bit surprising because I didn’t feel him there… I mean he will never totally fade away… it’s just… it was quiet… peacefull… but now, for like 2 months, pff… it can get a lil bit crazy… I miss you babe… It’s unconditional and it will never change. I have no idea how you are still here, and I am still here, feeling. Feeling you, feeling us… everything, you know, like there has never been space or time gap. I don’t know what it means or what to do… I just let it flow… I am happy that I am still able to feel you… I will always… but I would like I don’t know, for you to stop, and we should face it and that’s it. I mean once and for all. I can’t continue like this. I mean… I have only the hope that I will go home and my mind will clear and I will see the right way… what to do…I am praying for that. And I know I will see the light thru. I’ve accomplished so many things so far, by myself, with God’s power and I am so thankfull and blessed, but this huge task has to be done as well. I am praying for guidance, I am prayin for light on the path so I can see clearly and go on. It has to be done with it. I love you, but I can’t anymore. I will always have the same unexplainable feelings, but you need to face me once and for all. Stop being such a coward, cuz you aren’t, deep down, I know that and just speak your real mind. No lies, no tricks, no Alexandra you gotta go away, cuz I am crazy with people, you know me. Yes I do know you! Please remember that! I know you like nobody else! You have to remind yourself that fact, cuz I know! I am still waitin on you to wake up, to refuse to lie anymore, to stop playing and start fighting for yourself, cuz nobody will, if you don’t! You have nobody! Nobody literally that would do it for you. And that pisses you off, makes you mad and then you start playin smart, so the others don’t sense it, like we are all stupid.

Let’s make it clear: you are the love of ma life. There’s no other higher feeling than the one I’ve got inside. I am proud to be human and to feel what I feel, but this feeling can’t stop me from living my life. I love you and I will love you unconditionally. You are the pure part of me. But somehow I gotta move on, with that, inside me, and without you. It’s hard as hell, but I gotta see that road. God will enlighten me. I will see the way.

It’s the 1st day of 2012 and I began it in Punta Arenas, Chile. Nothing to say but the fact that I am at the end of the world. I am happy and proud. I miss everybody I love but I am cool. I am loved and blessed to have everything I have. I love and I am loved. I am praying to find ways, the best ways for my own good. I want my people to be healthy and happy. I don’t care about anything else. God is up. He is watching everything, so I am trustful. Thank you God for everything I’ve received. I am grateful. Bless me with good people and good moments and help me take care of my soul. I can’t wait to leave, so I can free my soul. Please help me, one last time to clear my soul and mind towards him. I need that, more than ever.

To a better year, I salute! I wish everything is different this year. I wish it is a prosperious year full with good energy and positive people. I’m tired of crap and idiots. I wanna be able to fly, to grow, to feel my soul breathing. I wish for Light. God, please help me bear everything I have to carry. I need power!

Don’t be afraid to dream:) December 4, 2011

I didn’t write in a while… that’s right…

One of the reasons is that we work like stupid people…so I didn’t have much time… I miss writin… I miss  being myself, that’s for sure… but there are 2 months left… wow can’t really realize it. I can’t believe I am here for 4 months… They passed so fast… so much crap, so many stupid moments, and still peace of mind, amazin places and good moments.

The most important thing to mention is: I’ve been to Rio de Janeiro! YES! My dream came true. Months ago when I watched with my brother, The Fast and the Furious V and I saw Rio, and everythin there, I said: I wanna go to Rio. And somehow deep down in my soul, I knew, I knew it’s gonna happen. From that moment on, it was a matter of askin for this ship and head to this side of this world. We passed the Equator. We r officially in the southern hemisphere. What kind of feeling! Being here and dealing with all this crap, and hearing that maybe we can’t get off in Rio, made me mad. BUT, I did get off in Rio! After workin till 4 o’clock in the morning with a night before, I woke up in the morning and I went outside! YES! I did! And I went to Jesus – Cristo Redentor and I saw a lil bit of Rio in the short time I was there. I was amazed and filled with joy and peace of mind! An inexpressible feeling I had inside! I can’t tell you how it feels, when you thought about doin something 3,4 months ago and after that, it happens. And not like just winnin money, or being loved, or buyin a perfect bag, but reachin, Rio de Janeiro! Haha! 2Pac used to say it best: there’s a God if you need a reason. I am so proud of myself. I talked with my folks and they r so proud, too and I feel in their voices how happy they r for me and cuz of me. Haha! I am so blessed. A huge peace of mind filled my mind and body. I know now, I can do everything I want! Just dare to dream! And hope with everythin I am, I can do it! Wish it, visualize it, make it! When I am going to be blessed with kids I will be able to look into their eyes  and tell them with a huge smile on my face: you know when I was 24 I went to Rio de Janeiro, on my own damn feet! Haha! You know how huge that is? The fact that I made it by myself, with my own power, helped by divine forces it gives me an amazin feelin and makes me feel stronger than ever. I can break mountains, I can be happy, I can love, I can enjoy everythin I receive, and I dare to dream about more! Because I deserve it!

Beside Rio, I’ve been to amazin places. Buenos Aires is a great city. With old buildings, cultural, very green and plenty purple trees, haha, nice people and food, shoppin, mhhhhhm, and every second shop they r earrings, haha! My place. Been to Chile, didn’t impress me so far, but still 2 months to go, maybe I’ma find something interesting. Uruguay – Montevideo, very dirty… but interesting, nice food… and you know just the thought that I made it to Uruguay haha, feels like I should call my geography teacher and let her know that I’ve actually been to all those crazy places she used to tell us bout haha. I enjoyed them all, you know it makes me happy that I am able to reach this side of the world. Reached Cape Horn, you know, the end of the world, haha. How amazing and bless full is that? Magellan’s bay you know, it really makes me feel special, and blessed. I know everythin has a sense. I know I am an unique divine human being. I know I’ve got a blessed soul. And I know I’ve stepped on the way I had to step. It was very blurry and rough in the beginning, but the clouds r startin to go away… I can see the right paths now… There’s a lil light… but I know I am headin the right way. I am guided. I will follow my soul. And I will fight for my soul and my way. They can’t kill me, they can’t stop me, because the light and the power I’ve got inside my soul, r unbeatable! There’s no doubt.

Thank you God for everything you are blessing me with! I know I am worthy, but this, this is overwhelming. I mean, you know, I am grateful. I realize there aren’t a lot of human beings able to get what I get and realize what’s happenin with them. I am happy I am aware of my blessings! I am thankful! I am the living proof that dreams do come true! After all the pain and useless disappointments, and fears, here I am, alive and breathin, enjoyin my blessings! It’s amazin to be alive and have a soul and be able to feel and embrace everything that the Universe is offerin you! I am so blessed!

I have an amazin family. I love them so much. I am so proud of them and I am so happy I was born in this family. I am so grateful for my family. I’ve got amazin friends that I miss very much, but there’s no panic, cuz I know they r gonna be there when I come back. You know, that’s very rare, findin and keepin true friends it’s rare, and I am happy and blessed to have them. It’s all love, baby! Can’t wait to see y’all!

I love. I love in a pure way. In this life I’ve got here, that beside money and the places I’m visiting, doesn’t give me much, but a lot of headaches, the love I’ve got inside, and able to feel, takes me away, and takes me to other places. Places that you can reach just with your mind. With your soul. Thank you, Angel! Thank you for being another lifetime close to my soul. I know, you know, it’s unconditional, but it was just a lil blurry. It’s all enlightened now. I love you, forevers. Love is never physical, love is never panic, love is never blind, love is pure, love is divine, love is peace of mind, love is you. You and your whole being and soul. Such an amazing soul God created. I am so blessed to have fallen in love with it. Forevers, my sweetheart! It doesn’t matter what happens in this lifetime, I’m gonna be there the next one, and the next after, and all of them. I love you! It will never be somebody else, it doesn’t matter what happens, or who’s close! I’ve found my soulmate and I am complete! And I don’t need space and time to synchronize. I know that God, if He was able to create souls like ours, He is able to create the space for them, one day, too! No doubt! No hopelessness! I trust in You! I trust in our unique divine love! I love you beyond everything! I love the Light in your eyes! I love myself, I love us! We are so divine! We r shinin babe, cuz we were designed to do so! I will never let your soul go away, I love you unconditionally! You are the purest part of me. With you, I know, I look into my eyes, and I still find myself there! Thank you for keeping me alive and awaken! There’s no other love like ours! Keep your soul alive n shinin, babe!

I am so thankful for everything! I am happy and fulfilled! I am grateful and I thank the Higher Force for everything He sends my way! I am embracing everything! Thank you!

I’ve stepped on my way and I am goin further. I have everythin I need: love, friends, God, space and time, myself, trust, faith, joy! I am all good! See you, around! Hehe!

One Love

 

We lost our souls. RIP Chauncey Hardy! October 10, 2011

We lost our souls. We did. Did we ever have one? For real? Right now, in this moment I don’t believe we ever had one. Maybe we were born just with a hole inside. And cuz we felt it somehow, our being did, we’ve been trying hard to fill it up with everything, basically crap. And after tryin and tryin and still feelin empty, frustration came and realizing that we can’t do anything about it, we just did what was easier: wrong. That’s how we are. We are worse than animals. And now I remember my friend’s lyric in a verse: “I look for humans, I find animals that talk”. Never sounded truer. Being handicapped, spiritually unable to grow we start acting worse than animals. How is that possible? How is it possible that we in grow? How can we know what we are, and what we are capable to do and refuse it and worse, acting backwards? From a human turning into less than an animal? Right now, at this point, animals do have more soul than we do.

I am ashamed. They killed an innocent guy. A person in my country, in a town, literally punched a guy to death. WHAT KIND OF NATION BRINGS OUT SUCH A MONSTER AND CALLS IT A HUMAN??? I am literally thinking of never coming back to that country or ever say again that I am from there. And I didn’t personally know the guy, I have never seen him. He spent 1 month in that damned country, and now he is dead. GOD!!! I hope the murderer has nightmares every day of his life and I hope he lives so he can relive every day of his life what he did. Relive that punch you applied every second of your life. Relive that guy’s death every second of your life and bear with it!!!

I had an amazing day in New York yesterday, my last New York. Didn’t wanna bring any clouds to my free day and I enjoyed everything, as I love that place and I entered this ship and I read. And I read, and I say: they killed the guy. I didn’t realize for about 2 hours. I came back and I read again. I couldn’t believe it. A guy went to a damned club, in a damned city and country and few hours later he died. You understand, it’s unreal!!! It seems unreal! A punch destroyed a life, just washed it away, just like that, like it was some sand on a beach, and left a family you know nothing about, they never did anything to you, they never heard of you or your shitty world ever! and with that damned punch – I hope you visualize it and feel it in your head everyday of your life – the whole basketball Romanian world turned dark and us again in the whole damn world, we are damned, with a damned punch. You understand? You understand, unhuman? A punch. A damn punch. What kind of nation do I come from?

I have never met the guy, but I am in love with basketball. One of the main reasons I live. Because when I am there in that court nothing else matters. Happiness is touched. If I am dead 6 months at work, it takes me 2 hours in a basketball court and I am brought to life. I love all those guys, beside my team, CSM Oradea, all those great guys I appreciate them the most. The only thing I am dyin here without is my basketball team, and the court, and beside that I have a great respect for the basketball players. I love them all, they are my soul. And as these people are part of my soul, that monster killing Chauncey, he killed a part of my soul too, beside brutalizing for life his family and beloved ones, the whole basketball world, he unbalanced the whole Universe. Cuz you can’t do something like this, without paying for it. I hope you crawl every day of your life. I hope you never sleep, ever!

Since yesterday, I’m crying, I’m praying, I hope for justice, and I’m trying hard not to try to understand why this thing happened, because I am goin crazy. I am with fear in my voice questionin myself what would have I done if it was one of my friends? I would have died, I would have thrown myself in the ocean, I don’t know, I don’t want to imagine, so I have no idea what his beloved ones are passing thru. GOD, please take care of the guys and keep them in your arms. For Chauncey’s family: God may heal your soul! I know, nothing, but 0, will heal you, nothing will give you his life back, I am sorry, I apologize, I am ashamed I come from a country that took your beloved one’s life. I wish I was never born there. I know this doesn’t help, nothing does now, I know that very well, I have no idea what you guys are passing thru, but I am praying for healing for your souls and I hope Chauncey will rest in peace!

One of my principles in life is that everything has to be balanced. If it’s not, then, there’s no sense. I’ve got no sense, and the world either. And if that’s true, then there’s no point in anything. So why are we here then? Definitely we are not here to kill each other. Definitely we are not here to kill innocent young people. I do know this is not the 1^st crime in the world. But there is in my world. In my world is peace and harmony. There’s love for basketball that brings you closer to the sky, there’s love for those amazing guys that make you fly! In my world, there’s no crime! There’s no wrong, there’s sunshine! We are human beings, cuz we got soul! How in the world can you have your eyes open and your soul shut down? Refuse to be called a human being. You are not. You are a monster!

I pray for justice. I pray for balance. I hope there will be one day, that one day when Chauncey’s soul will be able to rest in peace. I will pray for that every day!  I have never seen you, man, but you are a soul, and I will always fight for justice of the souls. Cuz we are born free, a soul is born free, and nothing can enslave it or kill it. I have no good feelings left or manners to wish for that guy to be saved, for his soul to be saved for what he did. I know there’s no explanation, or justification for what he did. I think it shouldn’t be any trial. No excuses! You took a life, you pay! But unfortunately we live in an unfair world. It doesn’t matter, you can’t take the pain back, you can’t live those people’s life that have to bear every day of their lives without him, there’s no substitution, but there is justice somewhere, if not today, tomorrow, or the next lifetime. I have to believe in that, because if I don’t, there’s no tomorrow anymore!

Rest in peace my soul brother. We are brothers and sisters in this huge universe, where instead of loving ourselves and be grateful that we are blessed with each other, we kill ourselves. Today is a day when I am ashamed I am called a human being, and that I come from a country that killed an innocent basketball player, and with that a part of my world. I live thru basketball. I live thru that amazing love. You can’t kill the love. It brings us life, you understand? Chauncey will live forever in a place he doesn’t have to deal with murderers, he will be an Angel and he will fly on a basketball court waiting for us all to laugh one more time, on the court that will bring us the last time to Heaven.

RIP Chauncey Hardy

 

? October 5, 2011

now what? now what??

i keep on askin this question and i don’t hear any answer. i wonder why? did i ever hear answers? or i just thought i did and i went further. nowhere to stay nowhere to go. why am i here? why was i ever here, or there? for what? 1000 questions with no answer. with no reasonable answer.

i have nobody. nobody. nobody to go back to. not even to myself. i am not there anymore. was i ever? or it was just an illusion? 1000 questions. when will i find the answer? The Answer? do i deserve this? do i deserve no love? do i deserve a life of loneliness? till when? for what?

confusion. i wish i knew, i wish i understood. and i don’t. nothin makes any more sense anymore in my head. why did i come here. why was i ever back home? i don’t have any roots. i don’t have a home to come back to. i’ve erased everybody. i killed everythin i felt. i washed everythin away. i am heartless. i am a stone. if i would sparkle, i could have sold myself, like a gemstone, precious gemstone. haha. what a joke.

beside the fact that yesterday i received one of the most stupid news and i feel so confused, he made me more confused today. i mean, i simply don’t understand anymore. i don’t know what i am here anymore. the reason i kept myself sane here, just vanished yesterday, i still can’t realise it. i hate that place called home, and now the main reason i was longin to go back there, just flew away, just like that. WHY??? why do u do this to me??? i fuckin don’t deserve it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! in 3 damn days i won’t literally have anybody to talk to… fuckin hell!

i need guidance… i need guidance…

don’t follow me! i’m lost too! @ erykah

at least i still got music

common killed it with this oneeee!

just 3 things to say… September 8, 2011

he is right here:)

so does hip hop

and anotha song which i can’t find but i’ma sing: inimaaaaaaaaaaaaaa de tigancaaaaaaaaaaaaaa hahaha brings me back… i love you dad!

i am so blessed and happy! i’m thankful!

everythin’s just interconnected…universal love… him.. the hip hop… my dad… all in all… fascinating…

i am in love with life, with the universe, with my soul, with his soul! soooo blessed!!!!

our kind of magic :) September 8, 2011

We started talkin… out of a sudden he asks me: why are you so happy? I am not… smiling… I am, cuz we talk… there’s this way, simply is, how I just smile, in a way I don’t remember myself smiling many times…when I am around him. No explanation. I guess that’s how it happens when 2 lights connect. There’s no other way, but happiness.

Then, at one point I started massaging his shoulder and so on and so forth his back and his face and his arms and his fingers… there’s so much tension in that body, that as I was makin his muscles feel more relaxed he was lookin more calm and peaceful, like he really is. It is amazin to see how a person’s face and body transforms if you bring it back to normal, if you allow the muscles to relax. It’s crazy what we are doin to our own bodies. We destroy our own bodies.

So, what it happened tonight was another way of experiencing magic. There are no words to describe, which makes me again realize that we, we don’t need any words… we don’t need to speak any language, even if he speaks Vietnamese and I’d speak Portuguese, we would still understand each other, better even than 2 people speakin the same native language. Because we speak with our souls. We don’t need any words. The trust and the feeling that’s in between our souls it’s simply fascinating. He actually left his own body on my hands, without questioning anything. It gives me a great feeling of peace and joy to realize that his soul feels so free with me, that he lets his body be, flow on my hands rhythm, how beautiful is that? I can’t explain it. It’s an amazin feelin I’m experiencing and I don’t think I’ve ever experienced with a man something like this, live never. There are no words. I don’t need to speak when I am close to him. I look into those eyes and I know everythin. I tell him that he has one of the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever looked into and he tells me: they are yours. That’s how yours are too. And I can’t fight it. I know he’s right.

Tonight, during this magical act of me playing with his body and him being almost unconscious, that’s how relaxed he became I realized, beside enjoyin what I was living, that the way I connected with him, I have never did with a man before, and it will last inside myself for this lifetime and probably for the next ones, cuz this is the realest thing I’m experiencing and I am so thankful for what I receive. My soul finally receives what it deserves. An intensity that doesn’t need words to be explained. I have lived to live this moment. I have lived till now to become one with somebody else just by being, by being able to look into his eyes and find my own lost self. And you… you lived till here, so I can meet you this day and return myself to me. Do you realize how blessed you are? But, how in the world these things are arranged, that He picked you to save me? Wow! You are God’s hands…I can see them into your eyes. He is actually in you. Wow. I am saved. I never thought this moment will come. God picked you. You are the one. I knew it was something about the eyes. So much Light. Finally, tonight 2 lights connected and no crash happened, and that’s the proof that lights need to shine together, they attract each other so they can shine together brighter, that’s why dark never works with light… wow. I am enlightened! I can see myself thru ur soul.

It was so beautiful the whole thing. The fact that you let yourself freely be, in my hands, with no fighting back makes me touch the heaven. The feeling that you trust me so much that you let yourself unconscious in my hands gives me the best feeling I’ve ever had: I’ve created my own peace with my own hands and I saw it in front of my eyes. I saw how I can create peace and it gave us both life, the life that we both deserve back. Wow! I don’t need to question anymore who you are and why you came into my life. I know. And it’s the best unexplainable feeling in the world. I don’t care what happens tomorrow. I know that when I open my eyes, the feeling of being whole is gonna make me smile and be thankful for everything I’ve received so I can live this moment. I am blessed! I am divine! You are so divine, and together we are a part of heaven!

Putting him to bed… another magical way of connecting to the Universe, to the One that made it, to the one that made us, to the one that made our souls, the same one that connected us 1^st and every time after that. He says: wow, it brings me back, to when I was 6… I know… that’s how pure n sincere you’ve rebecame tonight like you used to be when you were 6 and she was putting you to bed, my beloved…

I’ve lived tonight one of the purest things in my life, and one of the highest experiences ever, just by connecting and by letting my soul flow as it is meant to flow. Thank you, God! Thanks to you baby… you are so amazing! You are so much Light, that you are able to bring mine to the surface too!

God exists! I know that! Because you can’t create souls like this, unless there’s something divine in them to light and enlighten as ours do!

I love your soul. I love mine. I love the Light in your eyes, I love the Light in my eyes when I look into yours. I love what our souls are. It’s crazy how we are able to connect, and how high, but I feel no fear, I am embracing everything… everything… because I have lived lives of uncertainty to have this moment of… everything!

I can write till morning and I won’t be able to express even to myself what I felt tonight… so I’m gonna stop and I’m gonna go to bed, so I can see my eyes tomorrow again… whenever it will happen… cuz now I know there’s no more panic, there are no arguments, even if they are, because I know now, we’ve been enrooted.

Don’t take advantage of me, I am just a man… he says… in the beginning… and I said: you are not just a man, you are the man…and it ended up with a kiss on his forehead and him being so serene and light as he used to be in his mother’s arms, when he was a baby and the time didn’t pass over him. So I was able to make a grown man full of everythin you are at this age feel and be, as pure as he was when he was a baby, before entering this mean world. Yes, I know… but you are safe with me… One love

Can you stand the rain, babe? Can you? September 7, 2011

I can’t. I never did. I still can’t. I hate it when it pours. I like the Sun. I like the Sun shinin inside me and within you.

Why do you want clouds and rain? When it’s so beautiful when it’s sunny. It’s so amazin when I can see the Sun shinin, lookin into your eyes. It’s an amazin light that shines thru, a kinda light I’ve always looked for, and somehow, out of nowhere I found it, and now… now you wanna take it back. You showed me that you can, what you can and then you ran away. I don’t wanna ask why. I know. It’s just painful.

I know you don’t feel right either, but we are both stubborn. I don’t know why, when we both know what we are, what we can become, what we feel when we look into our eyes… we lost ourselves again. Why? What’s the reason? Cuz I am too much. You knew that. I can’t stand seeing your face like this… cuz you’r smiling and when you see me, you turn dark… and I am like a mad woman since we fought. God! Why? Tell me baby, can you stand the rain? I hate this rain in between us. It should be just sun, all over our faces, we should shine with the sun, but you refuse it. How can you refuse something like that? I hate you for that. I hate you for choosin to leave. Why you wanna lose me again? I can’t lose hip-hop again, it’s the love of my life. It’s the only way I feel understood, and not lonely anymore. Somehow, everything I choose is wrong. Why? I need some answers, and I know there are somewhere inside me. Probably I don’t wanna find them. I know I can make it by myself, but it’s easier when you share something. It’s simply beautiful when you can look into somebody else’s eyes and feel that he feels the same. You don’t need anythin anymore. You are complete now. Ain’t that everythin we r searchin for? Ain’t that what we wanna believe in? That we are born alone, we die alone, but in between, somebody bears with our crap.

Confused. Very confused. I don’t understand anything anymore. I see a man strugglin, because he lost me and though I hate it, I can’t do anything for it, for the 1st time in my life I know I am not responsible for another man’s happiness. Wow. I always did everythin for whoever, cuz I felt somehow it’s my responsibility to make them happy, but now, with him, I know for sure, that’s not my job, and I know that creates pain, but I can’t do anything to take it away. It would be just a damn lie and I can’t do that. Either you help somebody for real, or you don’t. And on the other hand, I see my soul suffering, cuz Hip-Hop doesn’t talk with me anymore, just like that. Though I still can hear him playin, he doesn’t wanna join the dance anymore. We sing, we listen to our song separately. How sad that sounds. And it is. Dammit. I need to see you smile again. I’m longin to see that light in your eyes again. But no! I can’t!

So, I’m gonna handle it by myself as always. I do believe, in this case, and in most of the cases, that some people aren’t really meant to share their lives with somebody else. Some people actually live to share everything with themselves and that’s it. I’ve got my music. I’ve got my rhythm. I’ve got myself.

So, even though I’d love to spend my days waking up everyday in the light, I’m gonna deal with the darkness and I’m gonna conquer it. I am Light!

Some great music I’ve listened to, today:

Smile!

fresssshhhhhhhh

what a voice!!!

I did learn the hard way

Enjoy!

shared beauty August 31, 2011

Beauty is only beautiful when is shared. I finally came to agree with this. When you watch the same thing, hear the same thing, touch the same thing, with somebody else and you feel and you know 100% deep down in your soul that you feel the same, then you can really say you are complete. Where there are no words to express, when there’s just the beauty and the feeling and the souls. There’s nothing else. Just silence.

I didn’t really think I’d feel this sometime soon. I mean… it was always inside myself, because I am capable to feel this. But to share this feeling… wow… didn’t happen in a long time… and with a guy… pff I don’t remember… I keep on receiving things I didn’t even have time to think about. I am really blessed. Takes me away from everythin. Somehow, even if I am in a place I don’t like being, somehow I am free, my soul is free. Is like though I have to be in a space I don’t wanna be… my soul receives everythin it needs to breathe. Beside the fact that I got myself and I’m fine with just that, I’ve always wanned to share what I feel, because it’s too much what I’ve got inside and it’s 1stly easier, if it’s shared. Wow. Tonight, was so beautiful. It’s so beyond everything to be understood. It’s one of the greatest feelings a human being can experience when you don’t have to explain anything anymore, you just flow with the feeling. Like you were born with wings. I feel so light right now. Really, I didn’t ever even imagine that I’m gonna be able to experience this feeling, here at work. Because here everything is so usual and faded that you rarely thinkin any light will get thru. But, I guess it takes just 2 souls, like ours.

I have no idea where this man came from. What I know is that he is here and we stepped on a way, interesting way, with unique experiences for both of us that involve feelings at a high level. He is, beside everything he is not, an amazing unique beautiful soul, with pure seeing thru eyes, that I’m blessed to have met. It’s comforting. I look into his eyes and it gives me peace of mind. There are no questions anymore, there’s no more stress, there’s no more time or space, is just us, entering a world, that we seem to know from before, and we definitely do, because it seems so comforting that it couldn’t be just the 1^st time we are here. We’ve been here before… our souls know that…

I am so happy that I met you again, my kind-eyed friend. I don’t know where we’re goin, it seems that our souls know the way… I’m not gonna question. I’m just gonna live.

Come away with me:)

New York state of mind August 29, 2011

New York. 28^th of August 2011. 1s time in my life when I am durin the night out in New York. Wow! I am simply amased. All the words that come out of my mouth are: wow, I am livin a dream, I wanna move to New York, wow, this is amasin, I am fascinated!

Even though I wanned always to go to New York, to visit, I have never dreamed about this. I have never dreamed that I’m gonna actually be one day in New York, with all these crazy lights, and buildings that seem to never end. Till I realize that I am actually here, I am all covered in magic. Exactly like in fairy tales, like somebody put a spell on me.

New York is one of the best places in the world. I don’t know much about it, it’s huge, you can’t see it all in years, but it was love at 1^st sight. 1^st time when I came here I simply loved it. And every time I went outside a lil bit after that, the feelin was the same. And tonight, wow, I had the chance to walk these streets and avenues and be so amased bout everythin.  There are so many people around, to my right somebody is speakin Spanish, to my left somebody is speakin Portuguese, I walk some blocks away 2 chicks speak Hungarian. It’s absolutely amazingly crazy. Unbelievable. And then, he was there also, for a lil while, we had thai food, and talked, and looked into his peaceful eyes. I can’t believe it’s actually happenin. God is amazin. I am amazin and so blessed. I realize that there are people that will never experience what I just did. And it gives me a feelin of pity. I wish everybody would have this chance, because it’s an unique experience. Probably the people that live here don’t feel this way, because they were born here and everythin fell in place for them. But for me, to come to New York, 1^st time in my life when I am 24, it’s definitely something huge, that marks my life. I will never forget these moments, I will never forget New York. It will always be in my heart. I know for sure I have to come back. There’s something so amazin about it, that I can’t really express; I just wanna be here. I wanna live here for a couple of years, at the 47^th floor and then I can return to Europe. Europe will always be my home, and my old school love, the comfort zone for my soul, but the vibe that New York is givin me, I don’t know, it’s so different from everythin I’ve ever experienced, that makes me feel like I wanna just be here, I don’t wanna lose this vibe, I wanna live this way, walkin these streets, like I just wanna live here, now. Haha. It’s crazy. I have never felt this in any of the parts of Us. I don’t wanna live in Us. Haha. But I do wanna live in New York, just for a lil bit. I feel you can’t get bored of this place, probably because it’s so big, with so many people all over that it takes years to actually get to know it, and as I am a person that gets bored easily, probably this is what I need before I get older.

And beside that, hip hop is here. The beginings of the love of my life are here. The roots. I walk these streets and I feel it. I know I am in the right place. Now, I am thinking, that there are actually people that dream about this maybe their whole lives and it never happens. I am so blessed man! I am so blessed! I feel so happy and satisfied. I know for sure I deserve it, but still I am so amazed. I am thankful for everythin I receive every day, but this is even more than I can imagine, or allow myself to dream.

God works in mysterious ways. I dreamed about goin to Aruba. I was there. I dreamed about New York. I am here. I dreamed about meetin a guy I can talk about hip-hop with, that will start talkin about a band and I’m gonna sing the verse, or vice versa, and it happened. I don’t know why these things happen to me, but I’m embracing everythin I receive.

I am the luckiest chick in the world. I’m tryin my best to follow my heart. I am tryin, hard to follow my heart’s desires, I wanna put all my money on what I feel and go straight ahead, and never look back. I wanna move to New York and I will. I wanna do all the things I’ve dreamed about. This is who I am, in the places that I wanna be, feeling what I feel and being super proud of it all! I am an amazing human being created to shine, and I am not stopping myself from it, not even with a bad vibe. I am all that I am cuz I’ve built myself this way, I’ve learned something from everythin I laid my eyes on, I trust myself 100%, I know that even if I don’t have anybody around, I got myself, I know I can do everything I want just cuz of the power of my mind and soul and I know I am responsible for my own Happiness. I am my own woman. I am my own soul meant to shine and I am!

Thanks God, thanks to my amazing parents, and to everybody else that I’ve learned things from, or that they just have been at one point in my life. We are all here, together for a reason. That’s for sure. And I am takin advantage of that. I’ve had the chances to meet one of the best people in this world, that have blessed my soul just cuz they exist, and for that I am the most thankful. I am in love with their souls and that will never change.

Thank you, Universe for blessing me with all the blessings and for comforting my soul thru everythin!

Tomorrow, I want my morning to start with a coffee at Starbucks and then freely go shoppin for a few hours and feel a woman again, on these streets of New York!

Peace and light, from an amazed blessed soul, to the whole Universe! We are all its children!

Open your eyes!

We gave birth to Hip-hop music

If you’re from New York stand up right now

Heaven’s in New York

 

 

true to myself August 25, 2011

I can’t hide from my own self. I can’t hide from what I was meant to be. I was created, designed to be something that will leave tracks when I’m not gonna be here anymore. I know that. Since I took the 1^st breathe of air in this space that I didn’t want to come to. It was all a struggle from the beginning, when moms was fighting to death to bring me to life. Somehow, as she is a fighter, she managed to bring me here. I’m still searching for the reason why. But even though I don’t know the specific reason, I feel deep down that I’ve got a mission. I know that, because everythin that I am and everything that surrounds me tells me that. I breathe essence. My parents breathe essence, that’s how they made me. I know my dad, I know what he is capable of, I know what he can do with his heart and mind and I know I am able to do it too. Just, me… the stubborn, grudged person I tend to run away from everything that reminds me who I am. Why? Cuz I am hurt. Aren’t we all? Not everybody fails after pain. Some rise up. Some shine pretty nice after being in hell. But, my problem is the grudge. I hate. And with the time the hatred became so huge, that it covered myself totally. I am all hatred now and I build up my world on that, not letting anything that doesn’t fill in passing thru. Ain’t that a bitch? I know. I destroy myself. How can I do that? I need so badly to talk about myself, bout my soul and what I am able to do if I want to. The problem is that I pushed everybody away. Everybody. And it’s not the kinda loneliness when you push somebody away cuz u wanna hear your own thoughts better, it’s that kinda loneliness when you push all away, cuz you can’t stand them anymore doing what you are not. You are following your heart? Good. Goodbye. Why do deep inside I think that I can’t or I don’t deserve following my heart? Would it kill me? Would I die if I tried? I know I won’t, but still something inside myself is stronger than my thoughts and it doesn’t let me. Gotta find it and kill the mofo’. I feel I wanna stop takin bad decisions, just cuz I can’t listen to my heart. I guess the problem comes from long time ago when I was a baby and I used to see this thing a lot close to me. Think before you act. Think before you feel. No, man! It ruined me! I respect so much the people that are able to take risks cuz they actually trust their heart. Even if they mess up, what’s wrong with that? They will have the power to get back on track. I admire them so much. But, no!!! Me, I have to follow my mind. No step aside without thinking 100 times before. Fuck it! I need my heart back. Cuz I know I’ve got it. I know very well. But I transformed it in a heart of stone. And for what? What in the world did I gain doin that? Absolutely nothing. Just hatred, more hatred, frustrations, grudge and hatred again. I can’t live like this. Especially now that I was reminded that I’ve got a soul, one that actually feels so pure and I want to follow my soul’s way. I am so tired of deciding and deciding with my brain. No heart. I’ve got it inside so I’d better start using it. I guess I just need that support, real support to remind me that the strongest thing I’ve got is what I feel. I used to believe so badly in this. I still do, but I got lost somewhere. I guess I don’t actually need anybody, I just need to be true to myself. Everything I need to grow is inside myself. I realize that by saying that I need somebody else to tell me, to reassure me is just another excuse of not doing anything. And I don’t want that. No, I am tired of doing that. I wanna be able to follow my heart. I wanna be able to trust it again. I wanna follow my heart, do mistakes and keep on going on. No turning my back on my own heart just cuz it did something wrong. So, what? I am human, so I do mistakes, I’ve always been responsible for them. You can do it, Alexandra, I’ve got faith in you! You are still here, nothing’s changed, you can do everything you want for yourself. Just look sincerely into yourself and accept it how it is. I am a mess but I am able to change that! And I will. Small steps, but we are gonna get out of this trap. I’ve made it, so I have to find a way of getting out of it. Be honest to yourself, girl! You will make it!

I don’t need you, I need myself, that’s everything I need to shine! I love you Alexandra!

I need to be free and I will be, because I the only one who can free my soul. I can look into myself and say: I am still here, I can still vibe, my soul longs for it. So, stop the killing and start the living. I was made to be divine, I ain’t gonna dig myself under the ground. I’ve got wings, and I will fly as I was meant to be! Oh, man I am in love with my own soul! Cuz it’s everythin I need!